Thank You And I’m Sorry

Have you ever experienced having a normal day, doing what you usually do, smiling, laughing, then feeling your heart give a sudden thump, as if reminding you that everything is not alright, that everything is not as it should be? Then you realize that all the time you were smiling, something in your heart was slowly tearing. You realize that what used to make you smile, what used to be your haven, what used to be so beautiful and blissful, is slowly shifting and becoming distorted right before your eyes. And you can only watch helplessly; understanding why it’s happening, but not knowing how to stop it, not knowing how to comfort after all.

If I were to write another page, if I start ranting once again, will I seem like a broken record? If I speak my mind and reveal what is truly in my heart, will I be accused of judging, of being insensitive, of adding more pain to an already aching wound? Maybe I need to say “I’m sorry” now. I don’t mean to offend or to criticize. That’s the last thing I want. Sigh. Maybe I just need a group hug, a reassurance that we are unbroken, unbeaten.

When the scandal happened, we were so strong. Together, we were like a rock; immovable, unbreakable. The way we stood by him was something they could not understand, maybe because they have never seen anything like it before. The more pain they inflicted on us, on him, the stronger we became. The more they threw mud at him, the more resolute we became. The rougher the road and the darker the tunnel, the braver we were, the tighter our grip was on him. All the hate and malice they tried to sow, everything the media and haters and unseen faces and forces did to tear us apart, to make us turn our backs on him, all of it failed. It was the most epic of all epic fails! We won over their spite; our love won over their hatred! Always Keep The Faith! Stand By You, 6002! Chunsas Protect 6002! Smile 6002! Such beautiful, powerful words. Such beautiful, passionate fandom.

Now, our strength is being put through the wringer once again. Always Keep The Faith is going through another test. But what does it really mean to us, Chunsas, this keeping of faith? We kept the faith last time. We held on to it fearlessly. We chose to trust him. We chose to believe him. What about now? Aren’t we supposed to be stronger than ever? Whether the media causes it once again, or unseen faces, or his situation, or his plan of marriage itself, are we going to allow any of those to make us falter? Have they found our weakness? Do they have the weapon to extinguish our love, our faith? Where is the fight I saw in Chunsas? Are we just going to allow them to cause a crack to this fandom, the one we have been protecting for him to come back to? “Chunsas Protect 6002” will never happen again if the protectors themselves are getting weak.

I keep thinking, what is it really that’s making our heart falter? What is hurting us? What is sapping away our strength? Why is ‘now’ so different from last year? Let’s take the bull by the horns and confront our issues. And then we press on. It’s easier to heal ones pain when one knows where it’s coming from.

“He didn’t tell us himself. He owed it to his fans to tell them the news himself.”

Do we really think he didn’t want to tell us the news himself? He alone had the right to tell us. But it was stolen from him! That moment when he would tell his fans the happy news, that he found someone at last, it was stolen from him and made controversial to earn clicks and dollars once again by the media, for the media; the very people who fabricated malicious lies and tried to ruin him and his life last year. Have we forgotten? What is blocking our eyes from seeing that? If he were free to tell us, if his actions were not restricted by rules of his current status, wouldn’t we have heard it from him first?

“He confirmed it through his agency. Couldn’t he have waited until everything is back to normal?”

Would it have been more acceptable to us if he denied it now and then later owned up to it? Isn’t that sort of “lying’? Would we have him lie to us? We know in our hearts Yuchun is not like that. I am absolutely certain that that is one of the very reasons why we are even here, why we are Chunsas, why we stood by him through the most dreadful time of his life. And I’m thinking, the way we stood by him, he would know the extent of our trust in him. Maybe that’s the reason why he confirmed when asked. From someone who could only say repeatedly “Thank you, I’m so sorry. Thank you, I’m so sorry,” don’t we think he knew how we would be feeling? He was in a situation without any choices given; his back was practically against the wall. But he trusted his fans to know his heart, to understand his situation. Was he being too presumptuous in trusting his fans to understand? Was he wrong to have faith in us?

The marriage itself.

What do we call this emotion? It’s like some sort of possessiveness over Yuchun, but maybe not exactly. Or maybe it is exactly that? May I just call it “jealousy” for want of a better word? Are we jealous? Yes, I think we are! We might as well admit it! I am. Just like how I was ‘jealous’ when my big brother got married. Just like how a mum would get ‘jealous’ when her son gets married. Just like how a noona would get ‘jealous’ when her little brother marries. It sounds so normal, doesn’t it? Maybe it is. Maybe it’s a girl thing! But we shouldn’t allow this normal, cute, girly thing to turn into something nasty green, unhealthy and bitter; something that would put a distance between him and us. It’s a monster that doesn’t have a place in Chunsaland.

Then there’s that other kind of ‘jealousy,’ the one reserved for the heart that loves another way, the one as old as time itself. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain this kind of love brings. How would one go from feeling right to suddenly feeling wrong? Whence before there was nothing wrong in what you’re feeling, but now you feel it’s not right anymore. Where does this love come from, how does it begin? Do we have a choice over it or not? Can we love or not love as we wish? No, we don’t have any choice at all. But, maybe what we could do is give it back to the One who gave it to us, who allowed it to happen; for Him to make it more bearable, for Him to turn it into something not wrong.

I once asked some of you this question: What is your ideal girl for Yuchun? There were so many idea of the ideal girl. Someone said she wants a celebrity girlfriend for Yuchun. Another one said a non-celebrity, another a chaebol daughter, and yet another a judge, a professional, or a simple, down to earth and elegant woman like his mum, or a beautiful girl inside and outside. In all of these ideals, there was a common qualifier: she must love him very much. She must love Yuchun to pieces, with every single cell in her body! But these are OUR ideal for him, not his. Even parents have ideal future sons and daughters in law in their mind. But most often than not, it’s different from what the children want or fall in love with. And there are times when one would even fall for someone who is totally not their ideal, sometimes even the opposite of who they thought they wanted to fall for, or thought they would fall for. But that’s life. That’s love. Nobody has any control over that, except the One above. So let’s leave it up to Him then, and to Yuchun. That is the only choice we have in the matter, if it’s even called a choice.

Retirement, saying goodbye, breaking the sunflower promise; is this the one that’s causing too much pain in us, the one that’s making our heart falter? Because he will leave his fans, the ones who stayed with him all this while? Who said so anyway? Was it Yuchun? Or just the media again which could have created an “insider” out of thin air? Just like how they got those ‘information’ from “someone in the police department.” What on earth is this, another déjà vu?! Aishhh… na michigesseo, jinja! We didn’t believe them last time, are we going to believe them now? If they could stoop so low as to broadcast outright dirty lies from alphabet letter-named people, how easy is it for them to snap their fingers and voila! an “insider” gets interviewed, sowing doubts in fans’ hearts? The media were not punished for their defamatory lies the first time; they will do it again the second time. And again. And again… unless, maybe, they get not a little slap on the wrist, but some real serious action for damages.

Two years ago I was chatting with a close group of Chunsa friends. We were asking ourselves all sorts of questions pertaining to Yuchun (of course, who else), just some harmless spazzing. One question was, “What could Yuchun ever do that will make you leave him?” My answers were: <1. If he marries someone I couldn’t help myself from hating.> I hang my head in shame for this answer. I’m striking it out. <2. If he mistreats his mum.> Impossible, nothing could be more impossible. Maybe that’s why I included it. <3. If he mistreats his Chunsas.> I don’t know what I was thinking when I said that. I didn’t even define “mistreat” and what would pass for mistreatment. I just thought it was impossible. When I saw some of the comments awhile back, how “he doesn’t seem to care about fans’ feelings by getting married so soon,” I thought of this group topic and this particular answer of mine. But the question is: Is he mistreating his fans by getting married? How? He will get married, sooner or later. We’re not even talking about rights here. It’s simply a basic, human thing. And no matter when it happens, I guess it will have the same effect in fans’ hearts anyway… that possessive feeling I was talking about. Well, more or less. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about fans’ feelings. How on earth could it?  Is he mistreating his fans by marrying someone of his own choice? No way, right? It’s his life. It’s his business. Not ours. Is he mistreating his fans by retiring? If and when he does it, I’m very sure it would break his heart more, just as it would  break Chunsas’ hearts. He has been in the industry for almost half of his life. We can only guess at how painful it will be for him to do leave it behind.

I read a letter from a fan posted at DCPYC (Yuchun I Will Stand By You. Fighting!) that caused me to pause. “You are not him, you will never truly know how he feels in a malicious world and how much courage he will need to face it.” She is right! We may try to imagine the pain he went through, but we will never truly know, will we? We will never truly know how much stronger his heart has to be, in order to overcome the torment of last year, in order to face the future. So let’s just trust him to decide what is best for him and his loved ones. Whether he takes the path leading back to where he once was, or a new path which he thinks will be best, let’s wait for him to tell us himself, patiently, faithfully. So until Yuchun says it himself, I’m not going to believe any retirement rumours. That’s how I’m going to deal with this.

To our Yuchun, thank you for being brave. Thank you for holding on. Please come back when the time comes; and tell us yourself what you need or want to tell us. We will try not to ask for much. Chunsas have never been the demanding type anyway; you would know that. But we’re only just humans, too. We need pain relievers, we need antibodies, and we need ointments for our bruises. We need to heal, too. You, being happy and smiling, will do that. You, standing where we could see you, will do that. Let us use all the pain of the past to make us even stronger.  Let’s win this once again. Is that thing at the end of the tunnel lighted yet?

To Yuchun and Chunsas: We are nearly at the end. Have the patience to wait until the mud settles and the water is clear.

“Thank you and I’m so sorry.”

 

 

Jellybean

 

 

P135

 

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6 thoughts on “Thank You And I’m Sorry”

  1. Thanks, Jellybean! It’s such a piece of passionate and honest writing! I am so moved by reading it. This is a very positive way of thinking, very empathetic! Big hug for you, my dear! I’m sure YuChun knows our hearts! Fighting!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. thank you for this insight. Even reading this 6 months later, it still is relevant. I am in tears, ashamed of faltering in my faith but now assured that it is what keeps us strong and going. Thank you.

    Like

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