A Confession, An Apology, A Brief Hiatus

When you tell yourself that you’re fine, that nothing has changed, it’s less stressful and less of a torment to believe yourself, rather than to mentally look sideways at yourself, as if saying “You should know better.” If you choose the latter, before you know it, your heart will have turned into a heavy lead, one you could not go on carrying for a length of time. And you won’t feel fine until you have confessed or apologized.

 I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to harbor ill feelings towards people I have never met. I don’t want to look in the mirror one day and see someone I don’t recognize, or someone I would hate to look at on a daily basis.

 I am very sorry to be a disappointment to some. I feel guilty that I am. Please believe me when I say I am more disappointed in me than you are disappointed in me.

 I started this blog for love. Love for Yuchun and love for Chunsas. Printing Volume 1 was a fumbling attempt to send and to show Yuchun that love, from some of his Chunsas across the seas. Inside Volume 2 was a mixture of the old and the new, both strong, both loving, both ready to accompany Yuchun on to whatever lies ahead.

After the storm has calmed, when everything is on its right place, when we are able to smile because he is smiling, I hope that Chunsaland remains as beautiful as it has always been. I hope we have not allowed hate to enter our hearts and cause rifts. When it’s time for Volume 3, I hope it’s as pure as the first two.

I am a Yuchun fan, no more, no less, no other. If I have not moved on from that place by now, l have no cause to believe I ever will. Is it my fault that I could not see anyone else beyond his wide forehead?  Yes, let me put the blame on that lovely forehead.

Maybe, this thing with Yuchun is a fluke. Or, as what my Chunsa friend told me, “Maybe you owed him in your past life.” I found it funny, reading her message so early in the morning. Yes, maybe he saved my life or I owed him lots of money that I never paid back, or maybe I bullied him when he was young, or – Heaven forbid – I broke his heart. Such silly thoughts haha. Or it could just be because he is so handsome, ne? Or maybe because he is such a good son and brother and friend? Or maybe because he picks up litters when he finds them, even when he should be signing autographs for fans, or when he is on the stage when, by rights, he shouldn’t notice one tiny little piece of (cue) paper? Or maybe because he has that natural urge to help the staff to cover their music equipment to protect from the pouring rain when he should be dancing and making the crowd scream by removing at least one piece of his wet clothing! Maybe because he is not into showing his abs (or lack of it, in his case) or is so lazy to go to the gym. Maybe because he laughs with all his heart, or cries like a child as if his heart is breaking. Or maybe I’m just made this way, one who could only fangirl a Korean artist one at a time, one per lifetime.

For now, this fangirl has to say goodbye for a brief hiatus, to concentrate on her day job. I’ll be back when I have substantially depleted the stacks on my desk and turned it into a semblance of a tidy work area. I hope to be back  with some stories and letters to share. I really, really want something from a guy Chunsa!

I hope to come back a better Chunsa, a better friend, a better blog admin(!), and a brave mouse who doesn’t hide from people on Twitter, and make them think she doesn’t like it when people mention or talk to her. The last one I could only attempt to improve on just a little, of course. Please give me some slack on that one.

See you in two months…

As always, with affection,

Jellybean

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