A Candle In My Darkest Days

Living an ordinary housewife’s life, even though I am a drama lover, I have never really become a fan of any artist, especially as my (late) husband was not so fond of me giving so much time to dramas. So watching dramas just became a small part of my daily activities. Oh yeah.. it was more like “I like this actor” or “I like that actress…” because of their good acting and good storyline of the drama… Or I liked listening to certain singers because I just liked their music.

My lifestyle changed at the end of year 2014. It all started from a phone call from my hometown in the middle of the night…. a phone call that brought a very bad news for me. My youngest brother collapsed and left this world so suddenly without any symptom. In less than one month after it happened, when I have not had the time to fully digest this fact properly, nevermind mourn my brother’s sudden death, my husband and I travelled to another country and the same thing happened. My husband suddenly felt so sick and within half an hour he was gone. My world just suddenly stopped turning, and everything came crashing down. Left alone in a foreign country, so many things to settle, no job, no children, my family so far away since my husband and I are from different countries, I just cannot comprehend how I walked through those days. I don’t even want to remember how I came through. How I often wished it was me who left this world… so that I didn’t have to endure those feelings. I cannot tell you how I felt, there are just no words to describe it.

At that time, my life was just full of tears that I had to endure everyday. I had no one to go to, my family and my husband’s family were so far from me. And my family was still in mourning over my brother’s passing. So I made myself seem strong to them, I had to tell them that I was okay and I could handle everything by myself. What I didn’t tell them was I cried every night until no more tears would flow that it was just so hard to breathe.

When I needed something to numb my feelings, that’s when I started my K-Drama marathon. I specially looked for sad dramas, the sadder, the better, but with a happy ending. I think I needed to live in a fantasy or unreal world, even for just a while. My niece introduced me to Hyun Bin’s dramas (because she was Hyun Bin’s fan). And since then I also liked to dig into and read the actor’s news I happened to be watching from the internet. But I never had an interest in one actor for long.

My meeting with Park Yoochun was not love at the first sight as well (just like with most Chunsas, I think). But one thing is for sure, he was the one who started to lit a light, just like a candle, during the darkest moment of my life. After knowing him, I never had the interest to look at other artists anymore. I am not a K-pop lover, but I listen to his songs or any songs with his voice in it (JYJ and old DBSK songs).

My first meeting with Yoochun was the drama “I Miss You”. Before Hyun Bin, I never had  any interest to find out who the actor or actress was in the dramas or movies I was watching, so I just let the drama end without knowing who he was. The second encounter was Rooftop Prince. I finished Rooftop Prince in 2 days. And cried a lot at the ending. I was so impressed with his acting and the storyline, and asked myself how come this actor looked so familiar? Have I ever watched his drama before? I started to look for his name and found out his name is Park Yoochun from JYJ. And he is a singer. Since then, my days were never spent without reading news of Yoochun. I watched every drama he acted in, again and again. The same with his movie. I read every article about him, watched every video clip of him from Youtube. And the more I knew about Singer Yoochun, the more ‘I fell in love’ with him.  His album is the first album that I bought for myself as a gift.

I am still in grief… I still miss my loved ones so much, but in this one year plus that I’ve know Yoochun… he has become like a good companion to me. When I am feeling down, which still happens all the time, I just turn on Yoochun’s songs or watch his video clips on Youtube. For sad  videos I feel a kind of relief after crying, and for his dorkiness and trolling videos, I will laugh by myself like a crazy person. But I am just so happy that he exists in this world.

What of him that I love??? I think everything! His beauty that shines from the inside….he makes me stay away from my sadness with his smile, his cuteness, his dorkiness. I really love his voice, it can bring out every emotion in me . Every song of his is like a lullaby to my ears that I need every night. I still remember I cried so hard reading his life’s story, his journey. His down to earth character, his love for his family and his members, really make me respect him more, and at the same time make me feel ashamed of myself. How come a man who is so much younger than myself can be so wise and deep in thinking, and can be so much stronger than me? His ‘never give up way of life’ makes me want to be a stronger person too.

The lyrics of his composition like Dad, Are You There and Kiss Shita Mama Sayonara, are just like words from my mind and represent exactly the same feeling of mine towards my loved ones. And his song “How much love do you have in your wallet” is just like a guideline in my life, the lyrics is a lead to my new path in life. Despite life being tough, we need to keep smiling. That’s just how life is for us all. After all, life doesn’t always go the way we want it to.

Knowing him have somehow taught me that even though I have lost my loved ones, I still have parents and other family members to care for. I need to treat my family better and live a better life while I still have the chance, because life is short.

My love for Park Yoochun is not a fangirling type, since I am too old for that. But I did start to use his photos as my phone wallpaper (shame..shame). I started to influence my family to watch his dramas and listen to his songs. While I’m still far from being a success in turning my family to become his fans, but still… my mom just loves every one of his dramas and tells me, “Yeah, he is one of the actors that I like”. And even my Dad who is not a drama lover, watched part of The Girl Who Sees Smells and laughed a lot. He even commented, ”Oh this boy, even though he looks silly, he is so adorable”. And my youngest niece is starting to compare him with other actors. When we were comparing some actors with him she would always say…”Yoochun is cuter..and his voice is the one that I recognize easily in DBSK songs.” She is just 13 years old .

Is he perfect?? No… nobody is perfect in this world. He has his flaws and his own character, but for me..Yoochun is just perfect. He reminds me of my ideal type when I was young. What of him that I like most is his “I don’t want to fake” character. And I guess “When one never thinks high of himself, it’s the one thing that makes him improve all the time”. Where to see an actor who has received so many awards for his works and still so shy and blank on the stage when giving his speech? But the aura..the charisma..is just there.

And I would like him to know, after “knowing” him, I was able to smile again. Listening to his songs every night, I can sleep again. I just love who he is. He is just like medicine to me when I am down, and from there I hope he will treat his fans as his vitamins as well when he is down. Since Chunsas are the most beautiful and will always be there for him anytime. And I wish for his happiness and success, and at the same time I will start a better life for me and find my own happiness.

And lastly, my message to the birthday boy :

You are very special and that’s why you need to float with lots of smiles on your lovely face. Let’s light the candles and celebrate this special day of your life. I wish your every day to be filled with lots of love, laughter, happiness and the warmth of sunshine. Happy birthday, Yoochunie!!!

Written by:  Lily (@believe_yu6002)


(Pic credit to owner)



8 thoughts on “A Candle In My Darkest Days”

  1. Dear Lily, I want you to know I am crying now as I read your story. Contrary to what you say, you are indeed a strong woman.

    Your story touched me as it reminds me of a close friend whose wife collapsed while they were on holiday overseas and he had to remain there to look after her when she was in the hospital ICU for a few weeks before she passed on. It was stressful especially when he can’t speak their language. So I can imagine how hard it must be for you.

    I am glad you found some relief in Yu Chun. Yes, he is not the most handsome, nor best singer or best actor I have seen.But that boy has a personality and character that made me love him like no other. That makes me feel unashamedly that he has the most glorious smile on any male or female face on earth that makes me happy just to see it. Makes me feel he is the next big thing in acting because he is not afraid to look goofy ( Girl who sees smells ) or ugly ( Haemoo) besides his soft romantic gaze in his eyes. And his voice…..ah…. his low, sexy, mellow voice….. is just a killer . I can listen to his ballads ( eg OST in Miss Ripley) and his high screaming pitch in DBSK’s “Love in the Ice” and “Bolero”.

    And his love for family and his JYJ mates is legendary. Everyone wants a son, a brother and a nephew like him.

    Sigh. Like you, I am too old to see Yu Chun with girlish eyes.But he is the one and only Korean singer and actor who makes my heart and head act as one. I am just grateful I get to see him live in a JYJ concert once.

    Lily,God bless and keep you. Fighting ! 🙂


    1. I agree so much with this comment. I teared up, and I also think you’re much stronger than you think.

      There’s something amazing about Yoochun that makes you forget your troubles, even momentarily. I don’t know if everyone can feel it or see it, or just a certain group of people who share common personality traits. Do we all have something in common in our character that makes us like him? Is it because we like the sincerity? His subtle charisma? Most probably it’s a combination of things. We Chunsas (and every other casual Yoochun fan tbh) share a love for his unique combination of funny and serious, private and outgoing, humbleness and naughtiness. Many contradictions. One person.

      In the end, I think we can all agree, he’s just so cute.

      Thank you for sharing your story with us!


      1. I used to ask myself, what is it in Yuchun? What exactly does he have to make him affect us so, when the first thing that we admit to is he is not the most handsome or he is not the best singer? Now I’m asking myself, what is it with Chunsas? What is it IN us that makes us react to him this way? Is it in our chemistry make up? I mean is there something in our cells? Haha! All I know is, when I see his photos, he is the most handsome. When I listen to his songs, he has the most beautiful voice. I love it when he’s tough, I love it even more when he shows his weakness. I love him when he’s all dressed up, but I adore how he is so fond of those slippers, snap on and cut offs. I love it when he gets all shy, but I love him even more with his dorky ways.

        He is a contradiction of so many things, but Chunsas love these contradictory things about him. ^___^


  2. @YC Love@cherryinvain..Thank you so much for leaving comments in my story…reading your comments also make me stronger ☺And thank you so much to JB sister for posting it.
    Agree 100% about Yoochun..think most of us share something in common to fall for this amazing boy…and mostly fall more for his character wise.
    And yes..he is really adorable 😛
    I am so happy if can become chunsa family…nice to meet u all


    1. @Lily, thank you so much for sharing your story. Welcome to this beautiful, big family. 🙂

      The first time I read your story in my email, I cried. The second time I read it, while working on posting it on this page, I still teared up. I was asking myself, just how many more stories at Pages will make me cry? How many more times will I be amazed at Yuchun’s ‘power’ or whatever it is called, to help heal some Chunsas’ pain, to have life-changing effect on them? Does one get used to it? I don’t know if I ever will.


  3. Lily,
    Thanks so much for your letter. I’m glad that you regain your strength and wish you good health! I hope YuChun is also gaining strength from us Chunsas. With our blessings, our believe in him, I wish he can persue his future career with all his might! Wish him happy birthday and every success in his future endeavours!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, thanks for your wishes. It’s been exactly one year, yes..I am moving on, and I hope it applied to Yoochun as well. Hope he knows he still have a lot of fans that care for him so he will love himself better, and make his birthday this year as a new starting point of his life. Best wishes for you too!

      Liked by 1 person

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